Diego

Diego

Oral History from Bolivia and Mexico to Lawrence, KS.

Diego grew up in Lawrence, KS. His father is from Bolivia and his mother is from Mexico. In this interview, Diego reflects on the lack of various Latino role models in his life (especially in school), his sexuality, and navigating his Latino identity.

La Paz, Bolivia and Mexico.

Marta Caminero-Santangelo

Diego

Diego (D)
Marta (M)

D: I'm Diego Rivera Rodriguez. Yes. And I am a child of a I guess I'm technically first-generation immigrant. Yeah. So my mom and dad both immigrated here from…my dad technically he was from La Paz, Bolivia, and my mom is from Moscow [?], Mexico. And then they met and I think Mexico City in college.

D: And my dad moved to–first to Arizona where he had my older brother. He's older about six years. I'm 19 by the way. Then he had my sister three years later in Stillwater, Oklahoma at OSU. My dad is also a professor of chemistry. He worked throughout those colleges and then they moved to Lawrence, I guess they had me there [in Stillwater] and then moved to Lawrence about a year later, where he worked at KU for a number of years as a professor of chemistry. And my mom was like one of his research assistants, I guess.

D: She also did research. She had a–they both got PhDs, which I think is insanely impressive. Just because like being able to..in STEM, too, I mean, maybe that's just not the way my brain works, but they both got that.

D: And yeah, so they had me…a little more about them, I guess. They–I think it's just way more competitive. Just way more competitive in general. I think I'm like trying to immigrate here [to the U.S.] your especially…like through school, college.

D: Because you have to beat out just way more people to get the same opportunity that the average person here could get. If that makes sense, not saying that it's easy to go to college, It's definitely not because it's very expensive, but I think it's significantly harder trying to get an education in Latin America and Mexico. And the fact that they—once I got that, they were offered positions in the United States, I think also just speaks volumes.

D: I have a lot of respect for just the work ethic in general.

D: So they had me. I pretty much lived in Lawrence all my life. I grew up here and around the age of five, my mother died of cancer. So I didn't really get to know her very well. Like in-person. Everything everything I learned about her came later. So it was really just me and my siblings and my dad for a while…growing up. And it must have been around the age of seven or eight or when I was eight, I think when I was eight. So like three years later my dad remarried. And he married a super nice lady, my step-mom, Huili Yao.

D: And I guess–I'm sorry, I'm just rambling about my story, but yeah–I guess it's like the first time I noticed things were…[reacting to Zoom chat comments] Oh, I’m completely fine. No worries. Notice things where like maybe a little different than like other people's experiences was definitely after my mom died, not having a mother figure. And also just like my dad was extremely busy with work and having to take care of three kids.

D: So it left a lot of time for me to try to figure stuff out on my own. Like same with like all my siblings. We kinda had to figure a lot of [expletive] out on our own. Luckily, we did have this lovely lady who came to kinda take care of us when I was like genuinely too young to take care of myself. Her name name is Debbie. She's also from Panama.

D: So I guess I had growing up, I had a lot of like Latino, Latinx, just like figures and at least older people. But also like at school there is absolutely…

D: [Responding to Zoom chat question] Oh, no. My step-mom is Chinese. She's from Beijing. So that is that was that was a big difference too. But also I think that…I'll get into that later.

D: She…I had those kind of figures growing up, but also at the same time. There was no one else in my grade–at my school at least–who was Latin or Hispanic or anything like that…And when there was it was about like fourth or fifth grade and his name is Sebastian. I remember it was a pair of twins named Sam and Sebastian.

D: And they were like the first kind of my people, I guess I meant, which I think is like a big thing that I've kind of like realized now is that just like when you don't have people who like you can I like racially identify with, it kinda–definitely makes your own you question your own identity a lot. As I had something, I struggled with a lot.

D: You know, obviously, I'm not white. I'm very much brown, but a lot of times I feel like just either because of my interests or, you know, I just—I felt out of place like not a real Mexican.

D: [Reacting to Zoom chat comments] Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's actually interesting. That's what I thought too, but he–he's got his own things, I guess. Yeah.

D: And the thing is I would I would go back to Mexico during the summers to visit my family there, on my mom's side. And why was there? I'd get really good Spanish again. Because when you're not speaking it, then, you know, kinda gets rusty. But when I would go there and get really good Spanish, and I'd start feeling like kind of more, especially as a kid when I was like eight, seven–around that age. I felt very in place there, if that makes sense. Like I would hang out with the kids on the street and they were just everyone was super nice.

D: I remember we'd always just like, you know, like just play in the street like rollerblade or like they're just like all the kids in this little neighborhood where my aunt lives.



D: But as I would go there later, I'm like around the age of 12, 13 and then later, like 14, 15, I started to notice that there was definitely, I mean, maybe it was just me being self-conscious, but being there, it's like my Spanish definitely has a bit of an American accent, probably, I bet, or like more. I know.

D: And then also just like I would get told a lot that I like, I didn't look like stereotypically Mexican, which is I think it's I mean, I don't f***ing know, people are just weird. But they like it always like to either think I was like Indian or Native American or something like that.

D: So I mean, it all just kind of fueled into this like really weird dynamic where I didn't know my racial identity, I didn't know. I just felt like a like a weird fraud. Like I'm not actually Latino. And then like everyone around me is white. And I think, I think a lot of people of color go through this where they have, they, “they want to be white phase.” Which is just sad, I think. And I'm glad I'm over that. I'm glad it didn't last, but I talked to my sister about that. She had it too.

D: It's just like–It's a feeling because you don't necessarily belong. And the woman you do belong, but it feels like you don't, you're not like a “real” Latino or “real” Mexican. So it's like you don't want to necessarily like, just completely embrace that side of your culture.

D: And then the other side is, you know, where you live and it's like, obviously you don't fit in there. Just like on the surface, like appearance wise…I'm luckily, I never never, I was so blissfully ignorant for the first 13, 14 years, I thought, like people in Lawrence didn't have racial racist tendencies–weren't racist at all.

D: But that's just me being stupid as like I literally have people in middle-school just call me like a beaner I'm like, You can't. I mean, like then I was like, Oh, ha ha, he's joking, but obviously that's not that's just stupid f***ing kids. They would–they would always make jokes about something and then I would make jokes about them. Back. I mean, then again, it's not quite the same when it's not racially charged.

D: But that's, I mean, that's just growing up in the Midwest and growing up ignorant.

D: Then I think I've really started to like, realize that like, oh, people actually care about skin color. I mean, obviously I had known this stuff, but just because I had so many [sic] stuff I've seen on the media and it's like when you don't experience it, when you don't think you're experiencing it firsthand. It's really hard to kind of accept that you–don't you. I mean, like in my head, I didn't want to didn't want to think that like the majority of people who have interacted with, like, may have prejudice against me because of my race.

D: And it's a bit different. I think a lot of Latina, Latino people , Latinx people are, or, sorry, a lot of Hispanic people necessarily. And some of the Latino are like white passing, white passing in quotations. I hate that term just because it's like, I don't know. It feels like it's like enforcing some white superiority thing, but I'm obviously not that.

D: So when I started to realize, I think when I started really realize, okay, s*** is f***ed up is when my parents moved to Louisiana when I was 16. And I went with them. And immediately, like immediately I noticed, like all of people's prejudice, all of people's like just like inherent racism.

D: I don't know if it was ingrained…I mean, it's obviously it was like in my school, which was also way different because it was majority like POC [People of Color] people, BIPOC [Black, Indigenous, People of Color] people. I immediately noticed, like, a, like a, huge, huge difference. And just like everywhere in the city, I would get moved to Baton Rouge, which obviously has a lot of problems, are still has a lot of problems with like police brutality.

D: There's just so many, um, yeah. And so like that was going on while I moved there. They're like, I think what had just happened when I moved there was one of the gangs there had just, like, retaliated to the cops and then killed like six of them [the cops].

D: And so it was like straight up a war in the city where I'm just like show up and people are hanging up. Your blue bluer lights are red lights to support either side.

D: Just like okay, this is something that's just crazy, but obviously something way different than I had experienced in the Midwest.

D: In the Midwest, I feel like most of the stuff that comes out is like passive aggressiveness. Passive aggressive racism, if that makes sense. Microaggressions, that type of thing.

D: But I moved there and I realized, oh, I'm getting followed. I'm they followed when I go into stores. You know, people are just like blatantly being like sketched out [colloquial: made uncomfortable] about me because I'm walking around the city or especially in white happy places.

D: Like talking to people at school, I would hear they're like their experiences and I'm just like, Oh, okay, make sense. So I kinda have that experience and that definitely changes like my outlook on things.

D: And I come back to Lawrence and am I allowed to say, I think I'm allowed to say this. Yeah, I'm going to say unexperienced with the police, which was really f***ed up.

D: [Response to Zoom chat comment] Okay. Cool. Yeah.

D: So I came back and it was right before I can't right before I was in college and it was the summer and me and my friends were–we were smoking weed, Cool. We're smoking weed on the [Kansas] River and, you know, it was like my friends’ last day. Okay. Come on. We were like, I don't think like I mean, like obviously.

D: [Response to Zoom chat comments] Fair enough. Fair enough.

D: We were doing it and we, like, went downtown afterwards. We were just spending the day with my friend right before he left. And he was like good and we get out. And this was like four hours later, so [I] was not high and I was driving–we were like, Let's go drive over to my friend's house to say goodbye to my other friend or whatever. I was in the passenger seat. And it was like seven of us.

D: So it was me and my white friend who was driving the car. And then there are other people who are in the other car. And he just threw weed under the seat. I mean, obviously not a good idea. And by the way, it wasn't wasn't my weed. And he threw the weed under the seat and he starts—starts driving over there and we're just driving and we get pulled over. We don't know why we got pulled over.

D: We just got pulled over. It wasn't like breaking any laws. We asked him [the male police officer] and he's like, You guys have a tagline or something. And I was like, Okay, cool. And he's asking his questions like, you guys drink tonight. I'm in the passenger seat. By the way.

D: First, he he knocks on the door or on the window. Rolled down the window. My friend rolls down the window. He sees both of us. Then just walks around to the side I'm on and asked me to roll down the window. And so I rolled down the window and he's just like, “Can I get you guys’ IDs? Do you know why I pulled you over?” and I'm like, “Why is he talking to me?” I'm in the passenger seat belt. But it's like no what's going on? And he was just like you guys had a tag light, has been drinking at all tonight and he hadn't. So we're like “No.” And he's like “You’ve been smoking?” And we're like, No, not right now. Obviously, we're not going to say that we were and he was like, “Okay, I smell it.” And we're like okay.

D: Like he's got to search the car. He searches the car and he finds it. And obviously, we have–we have like things [agreed, planned responses]for this, for situations like this where it's like don't Just like don't claim it. Like just don't say it's either of ours. Just just what it'd be like. I don't know if it's like someone left it in there, like a friend when we dropped off. So that's what we say, right. I'm also not my car, just in the backseat.

D: And we both say that he questions and I get a ticket for possession. Even though like we both said that it wasn't ours and my friend. And you get a ticket for possession. You got let off with a warning. I got to hit–a ticket with possession.

D: And he found a little bag…that was a bag that had had the weed in it. And so he also gave me a ticket for paraphernalia. In Douglas County, the charge for having possession is a dollar–so it's it's easy; for having paraphernalia, which I guess you can kind of a bag as paraphernalia. It's like a $300 ticket.

D: So that happened to me. And I kinda realized, I'm not a statistic. What the f***, you know, like actually like what the f***, I don't know. It just seems extremely like why? Like why just me? If it's not my if we bust said, it's not like it's weird. Okay. Whatever.

D: So I go to the–I go show up to the [unknown] court and I paid the ticket and I want–I want to go into diversion because I don't want this to be on my record. So diversion is where you complete a second, like you pretty much complete some stuff and then they take it off your record. And you pay a lot of f***ing money because that's what the system is like.

D: So I…at this point, this happened right before I went to college. literally a couple of days after I turned 18. And so I am going into college with this [charge/incident] and I'm like, okay, this is I show up to court and they're like, okay, apply for diversion. Do all these like prereq steps: which is get a drug evaluation and take a class or something, or the drug evaluation will tell you what you need to complete in order to complete your diversion.

D: I had lots of friends. Lots of friends, mostly white. But who have gotten pulled over for DUIs, having like felony amounts of weed. By the way, we have a couple of grams, like, so it wasn't really a lot. Like Sure. Yeah, sure, straight up [unknown]. Like literally like just like so much worse. Like, I think I don't know. I think driving other than getting a DUI for being like blackout drunk is like, that's ridiculous.

D: But they took drug evaluations, which is where a therapist will, a drug therapist, will interview you and ask about your usage of whatever you got in trouble for, right? Then they'll recommend either a super light punishment or I guess it's not called punishment, I guess it's called rehabilitation, or something worse.

D: Now, my friend who got the DUI and my friend got a felony, or had a felony amount of weed and his car, they both got it, both got one ten-hour class that they had to do. And by the way, the drug, the drug evaluation cost about a 100 bucks. I'm paying this for this all on my own because I don't want to ask my dad for money because I know he would be very disappointed. And I…I don't know, I just don't wanna do that. So I'm trying to pay for this on my own.

D: And I do this–this drug evaluation. And I'm like, I cannot get prescribed more things because everything that they will make you do cost a s*** ton of money. And so they asked me about my drug use. And I–you know, I tell the truth, but also in a way that makes it seem very not, like, bad if that makes sense. Like, I don't use it that often. And like I told her the story that happened, it wasn't my weed.

D: So it takes about a week and then she sends a report, which gives me a report…

D: Also, am I going too off track? I feel like I did. This is just I feel like this is just an experience that like..

M: No, there's no way to go too off track on the story you want to tell.

D: Okay, cool. Yeah. And so I get this evaluation back. And pretty much in her evaluation, she just called me a liar. She just was like he's lying. I'm going to prescribe him drug therapy, which I had to pay for, which is $100 per session, eight hours of drug therapy. So $800. And then a class. And I was like, this is ridiculous. This is. Ridiculous. Like okay. I don't I don't understand what–like why–why–why you're doing this? To me. I don't know. It just felt like I was very much getting picked on.

D: Which when I found out later that, hey, there's a little statistic that Latino people get incarcerated way more for minor drug offenses. I was like makes sense, checks out.

D: So I don't know that–I thought was like after I moved back to [Lawrence] and I thought point I realized people are racist. I think it really sucks. I mean, obviously it's not getting before it before that and Louisiana, but I was like really like my whole like innocent perspective where maybe you give them the benefit of the doubt. No, it's it's a f***ed-up world and people will do anything. I mean, people would just want to I just want to f*** you up.

D: And so I completed all that. Where luckily my drug…it’s funny because my drug therapist who was also Latino…we went into a couple of sessions and he was like, you don't have a problem, do you? And I was like, yeah, no, I don't. And he was like, Oh, okay. Well, then I guess we can cut some of these sessions because like you're passing the drug tests, you're not like we're talking about your use and it doesn't seem problematic. And I was like, Okay, cool.

D: This is like straight up rehab. Like you're saying Me too. Like the DCCCA [ Douglas County Citizens Committee on Alcoholism, Inc.] center where people are like, I mean, like I get rehab for like, I don't know if you're addicted to heroin or cocaine or is like the like, weed? Are they really sending me to rehab for smoking weed? Okay. I guess if that's what you think. I mean, I don't know. And then that ended.

D: Now I'm going to talk—I guess I'll talk about my experience. I'm starting to like everything that I feel like has happened to me because of being a Latino. So I'm a theater major, theater and film major. And right now. So there's right now there's not a lot of like people and like on, like big media for BIPOC. But they're trying to change that. But that also means that they're tokenizing to a huge degree.

D: So like my experience in the [Theatre and Dance] department has been very much just me being a token which feels really bad. But also I was like, maybe I'm at KU. I…I'm just like I'm still getting stuff done and like my professors who are nice are telling me I'm talented. And so it didn't feel that bad. And then my professors who was like a mentor was like “You should get an agent and see what work you can get out in the K..and out in like KC” [Kansas City]. And so I was like, Yeah, I'll do that.

D: So I apply. And they interviewed me. And they don't really care about a lot of like my resume stuff which is understandable and they don't really ask him questions. They–they seem to just be very…The woman who was interviewing me was like we don't have anyone your flavor. I bet you can understand what that means and can immediately clear that in the department..

D: I am–I'm just gonna get tokenized for a long time, which just makes it very hard to kind of makes you feel a little bit of impostor syndrome, a little bit of just like my getting things because brown, but obviously, I mean, I am I am literally n But then I, you know, and then you have to deal with the other things about background. I don't know. It's just weird. I'm just really, really fucking weird.

D: Yeah. And so that's been my experience at school [the University of Kansas]. Oh, I guess I also–I don't know. I've I've definitely been treated by figures of authority. I don't know if I have to get into another story. But it's pretty much just like I know at this point that like even in high school, like I've been treated by figures of authority like way s***ier because of the color of my skin, which is just a**.

D: And it's like, I think especially being in the Midwest where there's not a big community here. It's like I'm getting treated—treated like shit by one side of the community and I'm getting not accepted by the other side of the community. So it's just, I mean, treated by s*** by white people not getting accepted by the other side of the community. So–it's just like–being an immigrant in here, like in the Midwest., sucks.

D: I mean, I think it definitely makes people, I think it makes you feel a lot more alone. And like a racial identity sort of way.

D: I'm trying to think of like…other…. Yeah, I don't think I need to get into some other stories for just like authority figures treating me. I feel like there's the point is already across.

M: You totally can if you want.

D: Okay. Yeah.

M: You could give one that sticks out to you or something. Don't have to give them all if you don't want, but I've got the time.

D: Okay. Yeah. Okay. So I'll just go like a quick rundown on this one. High school, I was pretty well-liked about, like with all my teachers, I wasn't a bad student. I was a little loud, but like my teachers never seemed to have a problem with it. They just, you know, they would joke around with me.

D: And one day of spring break, my…I was with my friends and we were playing that one game where you type a sentence on [sic] a story and then the person comes up with the next sentence. And they were just passing my laptop around. And it was logged into my school email. There's a sentence in there that was like “I had a gun.” And it was logged into–on like Google Docs…and the story made no coherent sense. Like it didn't make any sense. But I guess it got flagged because there's the word “gun.”

D: And the next day at school or like right after spring break, I show up at school. And the SRO, the school resource officer, the school cop, the one that also by the way, dropped her gun and let it go off in school. But whatever…terrible, terrible person, by the way, she comes into class. And then this other lady who I know one of the administrators really seen them.

D: They're like Diego, Can you come with me? And my friends are like, Oh, he's in trouble..[That’s them being] that stupid. And I'm just like, Well, what did I do? I got to know what the f*** I did. Genuinely. I'm like, I didn't do anything, so I don't think I'm in trouble at this point. And I'm just walking. I'd walk out with my backpack and just as soon as we get out the door.

D: They pat me down there like any weapons on you? And I'm like, well, it's like now I take my bag and they search it and they are like, okay, we have no weapons on you. They take me…they take me down to the office area, whatever, where they're like the SRO is straight up trying to like…she's interrogating me. And I'm just like, I was just like What do you know why we brought you in? I was like, I gotta be honest, I have no idea what happened.

D: And at this point I'm like something's up [going on] because I'm like, they want to ask me if I had a weapon. They pull up the Google Doc and I go, Oh, oh, this is just like a huge misunderstanding. Like this isn't like…that doesn't make any sense. So you can look at it like this just doesn't make sense. Like I obviously this isn't true. You can ask my friends and they’ll vouch [for me]. And they're like, Yeah. Okay. So they just I mean, they don't say that. They like kind of make me feel like s***. Like I'm like I'm not going to shoot up the school. I'm not going to shoot up the f***ing school.

D: They take my phone, my laptop, and all my belongings, and then interrogate all my friends. And like pretty much say s***like, by the way, my friend group and high-school was probably like–it was like eight people and half of them were bipolar. So like they said to like those guys, like my brown friends, just like you guys would be the type of kids to pull the s***.

D: And I was like, first of all, I didn't know this lady. Well, I knew her as, like, the SRO, but I didn't know or like, I never had met her and we were like, what like who who does she think? She goes like, first of all, no or not? Liked by our teachers. And they realized that I'm telling the truth. And they're like, Okay, you are telling the truth. But the lady was like, we're still going to suspend you. And I was like, why I didn't do anything.

D: And so that technically they couldn't really sus…like what can what can they see? What rule did I break? And so that labeled it as misuse of technology. Okay, cool. What my, like, my teacher, I might upset by this. And my teachers, like one of them is like, I'm gonna get you an attorney like you can f***ing sue them. Like this is f***ed up. And it was but I was just, like, tired. I don't know. I ended up not following through with an attorney and just kinda took the suspension for literally no reason. There was no reason for me to spend it.

D: But yeah. So just like that's that's the other experience I had with authority figures feel like kinda just–kinda just sucks.

M: I told Val [Diego’s older sister] after I interviewed her. But this obviously as a Free State [high school in Lawrence, Kansas] mom, this is horrifying and shocking to me like, this is my kid's school. How is this happening at my kid's school? Yeah. What I told Val is, give me some names. I will track them down.

D: So funny because this is the same SRO officer who dropped her van and let it go off in school.

M: Oh my God…

D: Like first of all, do you need a gun? I mean, whatever, I guess. Yeah. Bring your gun into a high school. It's good. Whatever you think you need to do. I don't know. It's just just so much bulls***. And yeah, I think it's like those those experiences kind of shaped like a bit of anger and resentment towards just like authority figures in general. But also kinda made me realize that dislike, ignorance I had that giving people benefit of the doubt, which is not true. And…stuff.

D: Yeah. I guess that's I think that's about all. I didn't really talk much about like my home life, but life is very much it's hard to separate what was going on because it was just like a lot is going on at the time and what was caused by anything.

D: But I think also like growing up without a mother figure, it definitely was a hard thing because I think it's ingrained into..into a bit of like masculine. I'm masculine…toxic masculinity. It's also, I think it's slightly in Latino culture, which is something, anything else I had to realize.


D: Even like my experience with, I guess this is probably the last thing I'll talk about my experience with, being queer. Bisexual. But I just had a terrible not like a terrible experience. My dad is very open-minded guy, but just like definitely came out not the way I wanted to. I got kinda got outed. But I think like I can tell if it's just because it's old or it's probably a mix of both and toxic masculinity.

D: They'll just make, make comments about when I do things slightly more feminine or queer. And definitely it just makes me feel sometimes like just not not good. I guess. I don't know. I think yeah, I think I think that's it.

D: And I was also talking to because it's funny is I have another one. I get another queer friend who is also he's Latino. And he kind of says the same thing, like it's like at least on Latino side because it's white, but like there's definitely like some kind of toxic masculine leftover that I think might just be specific to…obviously not just like toxic masculinity is just the Latino men are fathers, but like it's a different type of I feel like there's a word for it. I can't remember though. I don't know. Like a word in…

M: Machismo?

D: Yeah. Yeah. But that is–that is probably about all I feel like I just…

M: How about being queer at Free State?

D: Oh, I was not on out. I pretty much the situation was I was very much just questioning for a long time. But I didn't know I was I was experimenting like kind of like a little bit like my senior year of high school. And then as I kind of like stop being so much experimenting and started being like, Oh, okay, this makes more sense. Now, I got out in not the best way.

D: [Responding to Zoom chat comment] Yeah. I know. It's–it's okay. I'm over it now.

D: But then that kind of for a long time made me feel not like not secure and letting other people know my sexuality. So even now I come across as more of a straight or masculine, I guess. I think that is probably a product of that situation.

D: Although, like, I feel like I've been unlearning a lot of those habits recently, just being around more and queer people. So yeah.

D: I think my experience was like within Free State really didn't exist because I just–I just ran much kept it a secret. Or like the people who knew were like the people who I was doing stuff with. And I told him I was like, I don't want to come out. Yeah. That makes sense.

D: But yeah, that is then like my experience, I guess. Yeah. And it's been my experience.

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