Hugo

Hugo

Oral history from Durango, Mexico to Kansas City, Kansas.

Hugo grew up in Kansas City and his parents are from Durango, Mexico. In this interview, he talks about his experience with his Latinx identity, his gratitude for his parents, and how he is passionate about storytelling in many different forms.

1990s

Kansas City, Kansas

Marta Caminero-Santangelo

Hugo

Hugo (H)
Marta (M)

H: Well…I just wanted to start with saying that my experience as a Latino, Latinx male here in the Midwest does come with a lot of barriers, especially when my parents are both–are both immigrants and I consider myself first-generation.

H: I'm the first one to go to college and my family, even though my older brother–he could have gone, but unfortunately, he doesn't have the means to go for certain reasons. But I guess my story, it really does start with, like, you know, like, when I was I guess when I was younger.

H: When every time…I guess when I went to school, I always kinda felt ashamed of the part of who I am when I'm at home. I didn't want to share that to anybody. I didn't really feel, like at least when I was younger, I didn't really feel comfortable showing my Mexican side or the side that I show at home simply because I didn't know if that was accepted or or whatever.

H: But I think as I grew older, I started to see kind of like, you know, I started to embrace that part of myself.

H: I guess the reason why I felt like I couldn't show who I was or at least how I was in–I guess where I am like in my household was because I always saw that white was kinda like that being white was always a standard.

H: You know I was very much influenced by TV, music, movies, and that was always kinda like the standard, like I always kinda was like this is what a family should be like. It should always be like the nuclear family. It should be a mom, dad, son and a daughter. And I was wondering like, why–why don't I have that?

H: I just started, like, basically to question like, who I'm who I was, what–what exactly my identity is.

H: It wasn't very…it was very recently when I found that like I started to kinda embraced it. Embrace it in my high school. It was like my first time ever taken a Spanish class, my first year.

H: And that's when I saw like, Oh hey, like, you know, I mean, I'm not the best, the best Spanish speaker, but at least, at least I can kinda see where I'm kind of not necessarily. I'm like I'm not good at.

H: I guess the reason why I tried to I guess I tried to be more connected to my roots and everything like that was because they saw that there was other people who were more, who started to embrace their own–their own culture, their own background.

H: Especially like my Spanish teachers who were very much proud of who they were, very much proud of where they came from. Like I had one Spanish teacher who was from Querétaro, Mexico, and one teacher, if I believe, from Costa Rica. And they, they kinda like, kinda just showed me like hey like I shouldn't be afraid of who I am.

H: Why am I also, for me, I'm also very passionate about, like, storytelling. Like I became more passionate about storytelling in the past year.

H: And one of the things that my parents always do is they always told me stories about where they came from, how–how they came to the United States, what they did here in the United States before I was born, especially my father.

H: Like he before he settled here in Kansas City with my mother, he actually lived in California and he would always told me stories about him working as a crew, a kitchen crew member or things like that. And he would always kind of like–he would always just share those experiences with me and somehow he would like embed a lesson between them.

H: So it was like just hearing how storytelling can also give a lesson, encapsulate, encapsulate a lesson in between them that kinda, like, inspired me to want to continue to share stories. It was mostly because of my father and I think my parents have most definitely become such strong role models in my life.

H: When I was, when I was younger, that was kinda like the opposite. I felt like I neglected them a little bit simply because I wasn't proud of why I am.

H: But now that I'm realizing that they sacrificed so much for me that they–they've gone through so many obstacles you've done so much for me to be here, be in school, be able to go to college, be–have the ability to go to college, and have other opportunities that they can’t–they can’t always have. They were able to provide that for me.

H: My parents are like the reason why I do a lot of things that I do.

H: They, especially my dad, they inspire me to want to go into like–into film simply because I want to be able to share stories, tell stories, and not just like, like like, you know, like through pen and paper but mostly like visually.

H: But I think in my essay when I wrote everything like that, that kind of like how everything kind of culminates into who I am, like, what kind of like how, how I came to be. I was mostly just inspired by, like, all my experiences. I'm like…

H: At one point I felt like I was whitewashed. But then I realized, like, there's a part of me that I can't let go and that's being being Mexican–that's being who I am. But there's also this issue that I didn't necessarily…I wasn't born in Mexico and I was born here in America. So I was kind of like, where do I, where do I land?

H: Where, where am I between these two identities?

H: And that's, that's kinda like the question that I kind of tried to answer in that essay. Like, where exactly do I stand in between being American and being Mexican?

H: Because I guess like my identity is–it's it can be very confusing, especially because I've never been to Mexico. But what I've experienced like my Mexican culture through my parents. I've experienced American culture by just experiencing here in the United States.

H: But I also like, like I included this quote from the movie Selena, the biopic, where Abraham says to Selena and AB, that we, Mexican-Americans have to work twice as hard as Mexicans and Americans. We have to be as perfect as the Mexicans and as perfect as the Americans.

H: Somewhere on those lines, I forgot how it goes, but that whole kind of like brought it all together. It kind of like, you know, like what we did is basically where do I stand? And I think that could really explain my situation.

H: But I think the more I thought about that question, the more I thought about that statement, I learned that I can be both Mexican and American without having to stand by these standards or be defined by the standards of society. And embrace who I am.

H: Like I don't have to choose this side or that side. I can, I can most definitely embraced them both at the same time.

H: Like even though, even though in the past, like it has, the American culture has most definitely dominated who I was. I feel like I'm starting to come to a balance between both both being Mexican and being an American.

H: I think they're like, I think another thing that, another aspect of my essay that I included was like, like how the title goes, “The Unwritten Rules of Living in My Mexican Household.” Like the rules that are in there in my essay, they're not, they're not technically, they're kind of like these made-up rules that I made that I've experienced through my parents.

H: Like even though they never really sat set rules, It's like these rules were never like they're not written down and put in the living room so that we can read them more than just like they're just like rules that you've already lived through the day my parents expect me to follow, but not necessarily know them.

H: And I don't know if that makes any sense. But they're just kinda like these rules that you you just know. They're not just rules: they're just statements.

H: But a lot of the reason why I added those that aspect was because all of my life, I had to live by rules. I had to like I said before, like I wanted to I'm live this life that was perfect, that it follows these certain criteria.

H: And like in the end, those rules aren't necessarily always good to follow or…

H: And that's why like towards the end of my essay, I say that “sometimes these rules are meant to be broken” because you have to learn you have to learn them like a professional during them like a pro and break them like a profession.

H: And I feel like because I've been able to break those rules between both American and Mexican side. It has to be me more, I guess, open to a lot of a lot of aspects of who I am.

H: I also included those rules just for just as a way to kinda transition between topics. Because even though some topics do kind of like intertwine with each other, it was kind of hard to like just do like a, like a just a straight prose.

H: I couldn't, I couldn't really wrap my head around just pulling just just talking all about me when I wanted to have something that could break up these like a breakup like these, these paragraphs and have a certain topic for each.

H: But I think like for me, I was also really inspired by, by, I forgot his name but he was Ta-Nehesi Coates, the writer of Between the World and Me. He would, just talk about his experiences. I remember reading that essay in my English Composition 2 class. Dr. Paula concentrate gone. She made us read it and I was really inspired by that one.

H: I was also inspired by another, another essay called Scholar Boy. I think I forgot who the author was, but that essay also really inspired me because it kinda like gave me that reassurance that my experiences have just like a unique one. It's some other people are actually experiencing them. And that kind of reassured me that, hey, like, I'm not alone here in this world, I'm not alone. And that was alone with my experiences and that made me feel better.

H: But it was also really inspired by, by a lot of things that Issa Rae does. I think that she's a great filmmaker and writer. And she most definitely has these experiences. She taught, she normalizes these experiences and I wanted to write something that I wanted to normalize.

H: And I was, I was very much inspired by a lot of these comedy, comedy people, I guess I would say like his comedy writers. Because like I wanted to, I wanted to keep my essay kind of lighthearted. I didn't want to go deep into like, into like a very existentialist topic or, you know, area.

H: Because I felt like even though my experiences is something that I like, I need to I need to reflect on. I wanted to reflect on it on like in a very humorous way. That's when like some parts that are kind of like in a way very humorous, but at the same time they do, they do relate to experiences that I've had.

H: But overall, I think my essay really does do a lot for who I am and points out like the things that my parents who inspires me, and that’s most definitely them, my parents who have sacrificed so much for me just to be here.

H: And now, I didn't just write that essay for me. I wrote it for them because they most definitely have had a huge impact on my identity. My identity and even like parts of who I am.

H: I feel like–feel like I covered most everything.

M: Thank you so much. I want to say I do have a couple of questions just to ask you for follow-up, but I want to say, first of all, I was totally nodding and “a-ha”ing. I was totally with you all throughout.

M: But I do want to say you are so thoughtful and articulate about your craft, whether the craft is writing or what you wanna do with filmmaking. So I just want to say more power to you.

M: You're obviously just putting so much thought into not just what you want to get across, but how do you want to get it across and what style do you want to get it across in? And how do you break things up and how do you talk about yourself but not unrelentingly and just all those decisions are so thoughtful.

M: So I want to say for what it's worth, it sounds like you're on the road to success and I think, and I hope you have amazing success.

H: Thank you, I really appreciate it.

M: I'm with you on the power of storytelling, visual or, or textual. I mean, there's nothing as powerful as the story. So that's kinda why I'm doing this.

M: So you grew up–you grew up in Kansas City?

H: Yes. I grew up in Kansas City. I think me and my little brother are the only ones who grew up in Kansas City. My older brother, he well–he was born in Mexico, but he was brought to Kansas City, I believe. After my dad came back to Mexico to get my mom and my brother to go back to the United States.

M: And so in Kansas City, but not like an Argentine, not in a Latinx community in Kansas City?

H: Well, yeah, I was born. I don't know. It's very weird because like when I was younger, I feel like I didn't really notice that most of my classmates were Hispanic and Latino demographics. So it was kinda like, you know, like I didn't know if I could relate to or not, but I did grow up in a very predominantly Hispanic and Latino and Black community.

H: I grew up in Wyandotte County, I want to say in like in the northeast side.

H: But yeah, I did grow up around there.

M: And even surrounded by Latina, other Latinos, you still felt like that what you were describing, that you sounds like you were ashamed or weren't quite sure what to write and you're Mexican background, even even surrounded by other Latinos?

H: I think I think it was just mostly because I didn't know much about my Mexican culture and I felt like maybe they don't know either. So it was like, hey, like if I share these experiences, they're probably going to think I'm weird.

H: So it was–it was kinda like at least like when I was younger, I think now I'm more like, Oh, I'm much older. A lot of people. Their–“to each their own” they're their own culture and more understanding of at least myself and about other people.

H: I feel like back then I was just very much naive about what other backgrounds of the people are. I think it was just because of my childhood mentality.

M: But it's interesting that your school wasn't celebrating Cinco de Mayo?

H: Yeah. I feel like my school never really acknowledged those aspects of his being Hispanic, being Latino, being black, Asian, etc. I feel like they most definitely did have the students. I felt like there was never really like a acknowledgement of these different cultures.

M: Wow…

H: I feel like not, not just in elementary, but also in middle school. I feel like because I went to a much more rigorous high-school, I feel like that's when I actually just started to see that people actually do celebrate each other's culture is and everything like that.

M: Yeah, that's kinda intense that they were just sort of ignoring the cultural origins of a substantial portion of their student body.

H: eah, I feel at least that's how I felt, at least when I was a child. I remember they'd like in middle school and most definitely just wasn't a huge thing. Obviously, we didn't have kinda like when we have those like dances, they would have like Mexican bachata and cumbia, all that. But it wasn't necessarily it was just mostly small request.

H: But like when it came to like teachers or staff or the admin, they never really kinda like acknowledged. It was just mostly kinda like, like, oh, we have these students, they're there. They come from urban background.

H: And I feel like now that I've, now that I'm thinking about it and you brought it up, it does kind of make me think like, oh hey, you like, because they didn't do that. That makes this part of the reason why a lot of kids like me go through these kind of thoughts.

M: Absolutely. I mean, my kids grew up in Lawrence, Kansas, which is a pretty, you know, very predominantly white place. But their school served a very large, their elementary schools serve to large. It served all the international students.

M: So there were always celebrations, intercultural international celebrations and taking pride in your heritage. And I just can't even imagine, yeah. My kid to a school where somehow they'd be made to feel sad?

H: Yeah. And I mean, like the only I think the only way we were able to even celebrate our own culture was just at home. And I feel like that's the reason why I felt like that–that, you know, if it's a home, I can't really show it to the world.

H”: But yeah, I think now that I think about, I think it was my environment that most definitely impacted that.

M: Yeah. I have to leave in a minute-and-a-half, but let me get these two things out before I do. One, if you have not read Richard Rodriguez, Hunger of Memory…

H: I think that's the, the author.

M: In some ways his experience sounds a lot like yours. Yeah. His first memoir was called Hunger of Memory. And there's an essay in that called something like aria. Blah, blah, blah, blah. You should totally check that out.

H: Yes, thanks.

M: A lot like yours, except it sounds like you grew beyond it and maybe he never did.

H: I read his essay “The Scholarship Boy” one and it was kind of like, oh, so you never acknowledged who he was? I think I think that's most definitely inspired me. Even though I know it was kind of he never really like how you said “went past it”. It still made me want to acknowledge at least like when I was writing the essay.

M: Well, and he's a brilliant writer and he's been embraced, in part. He's embraced by Anglo-America precisely because he's such a strong voice for assimilation.

H: Yeah.

M: But it's interesting like I can't help feeling like his environment molded him so completely that he could not–

H: He could not go back to it.

M: But I also wanted to ask quickly before I leave. so I really do have to go. But where are your parents from and like, when did they get here and what were the circumstances? Can you give me the short version?

H: I think both of them were raised in Durango, Mexico. I don't know exactly where they were born that I need to ask. I should have asked him that.

H: I think they may have came…my dad. I don't know for sure. I think he may came like around the eighties, maybe nineties. My mom for sure came right after my little brother was my older brother was born. So it was like 1999.

M: Were they married already?

H: Yeah, I think they were married. They were married. And then after–after my older brother was born, when he turned one years or one year old, they moved to Kansas City.

H: I don't remember what the circumstances were, but I do think that it was mostly like better opportunities in the United States.

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