Fernanda

Fernanda

Oral history from Mexico to Wichita, Kansas.

Fernanda grew up in Wichita, Kansas. Her mother is from Aguascalientes, Mexico and her father is from Chiapas, Mexico. Fernanda attended a Catholic school with a majority Latino/Hispanic and Vietnamese student body. In this interview, she talks about growing up in a community that she could relate to as well as her third year of high school which she identifies as her turning point for understanding her identity.

1990s

Mexico

Marta Caminero-Santangelo

Fernanda

English

Video

Fernanda (F)
Marta (M)

F: I can go ahead and start.

F: This is my story as being the first-generation in Kansas and being the first-generation of kids born in the United States in my family starts with my mom. And I know my mom's side of the story a lot better than I do my dad, but I do want to share both.

F: My mom is from Aguascalientes, Mexico, and she is from a neighborhood called Loma Bonita. This was–it's funny to having gone back with my mom and Mexico because the city has expanded a lot. So that used to be the border of the city, which is now a huge metropolitan area that has extended far beyond this neighborhood.

F: But at the time that's where she lived and that was central to her story because that was one of the poor neighborhoods in that time of the city. And she grew up there, That's the house they had always lived in. They had built on top of it.

F: And my grandpa is a very ingenious guy and just builds and makes whatever he's incredibly smart. Even though he only had nine months of formal education where he learned to read and write. Beyond that, he is completely self-taught.

F: And so she was born in that house. And it was five siblings, my grandparents. And she had a lot of ambition. She wanted to go to college, she wanted to have a career in finance, but her family was very poor.

F: So when she finished high school, she really didn't have the opportunity to go to college. And I think she was 17 around this time. And seeing that there was no really opportunity for growth for her, she decided to move to the US and this is something that happened pretty spontaneously.

F: She says that one of her uncles have come back to visit in Mexico. And she was like, I wanna go with you, take me with you in a matter of a week or two, she was able to get a visa, which was really, really lucky at that time, but she had falsified all her documents, got a visa, and left with one of her cousins to come to the US with that uncle.

F: And they ended up in Wichita, Kansas. And she stayed here for a couple of months. And then or it moves maybe a couple of months to a year.

F: And then her family had this doesn't really know what caused this or anything, but her aunts lied to her, saying that my grandma was having serious health complications when she wasn't. But my aunts kind of made her rush back to Mexico. So she went back, realized that there was nothing wrong and people just wanted her to come back. As she was obviously very angry about that and immediately tried to come back again, got her visa within a matter of two weeks, which super, super lucky–ended up coming back to the United States and then she'd stayed there, stayed here ever since.

F: She was still only 17 or 18 at that time, she got a job, started renting. Eventually, my grandpa came over. They both helped save money to get the rest of the family over and they were all still pretty young. I think my youngest uncle was 14 or 15 and started going into high school in Wichita.

F: Then she married my dad. And my dad is from Chiapas, Mexico. And he, similar to my mom, was fleeing poverty and violence in that part of the country.

F: So I think his family slowly started to migrate north–living in separate cities until they came to visit one of their uncles in Wichita and just never left after that.

F: So that's also an interesting story to me because he [Fernanda’s father] still has not gone back to Mexico since he came maybe 25, 30 years ago. And he has always regretted not having the chance to say goodbye to anyone because it was unplanned. I don't know if his parents had planned it and didn't tell the rest of his family or what had happened, but the kids didn't know that they were moving. They were just going to visit an uncle and they never went back to Mexico.

F: But then they [Fernanda’s parents] got married. They met at a Taco Bell, which I've always thought was funny. Working at Taco Bell.

F: And then they had me, my brother and my sister and I, the first child, grandchild, cousin, that whole entire side of the family and my dad's side as well. I've only been the oldest and the one to start everything or try everything first.

F: And so my whole beginning of my life, my mom and dad have worked so hard to build absolutely everything. I think that the first house that we ever lived in, my mom and dad paid $6,000 for. And then my dad added new bedrooms, new bathrooms, new living rooms, and that's where I lived for most of my life and I loved that house and we just sold it two years ago, which made me really sad.

F: But that was–it was a really, really good childhood. We lived in that house and it felt very isolated in–not in a bad way, but in a very comforting way. Because I grew up just almost exclusively Mexican. Because it was just us interacting with my family. We didn't really have a lot of relationships outside of the family. It felt very isolated and safe in that sense.

F: Then I went to St. Margaret Mary, which is a private Catholic school. But it's about, it's maybe 70% Mexican, 20% Vietnamese, and the rest is white. So we also grew up very, very interesting. I just felt like home, I just felt very safe. And everyone is really proud of their cultural identity. And everyone speaks Spanish in that school because it's mostly an immigrant community.

F: So I feel very privileged to have been able to grow up in that space because I talked to people, a lot of people that I met at KU and they don't have similar stories of where they had to go to school with students that didn't identify or that they didn't identify with. And it is messed up their–their just sense of identity and they had identity crises as young children, which I had never, I never experienced because I was in a room full of other kids that were speaking Spanish and whose moms gossiped after school.

F: And it was just a very, very Mexican childhood.

F: And I think that's also really interesting for me now because I don't know that I have so much. Because I grew up around just my family and all of these other kids at school that were also first-generation or second-generation immigrants. I somewhat grew up left out of Mexican-American culture, how it has developed in the United States.

F: Like I feel more Mexican than I feel Mexican-American, if that makes sense or they're very different. I'm Mexican but I was born in the US, which makes me Mexican-American. But I have them in separate categories. Like sometimes I'm American and sometimes the other times I'm Mexican, but internally, I always feel Mexican. I don't feel that that has developed to where I just go about my day with both of them combined.

F: So that that has been interesting, but yes, that was my experience. It was a K through eight school, so elementary school, middle school. We always grew up there. It was a really small school. It was–my graduating class was 13 students. So as a family, it was very, very safe.

F: And everyone was just the same. Everyone was the same socioeconomic status. Everyone lived in the same neighborhoods. It was just a great, great environment to grow up in.

F: And then I went to Kapaun (Kapaun Mt. Carmel High School), which is the Catholic private high school. And it was completely different from my experience in middle-school because it was an incredibly wealthy school. As soon as people turn 16, they get their brand new Jeep. And even though we wear uniforms, everyone has the newest shoes, the newest jewelry, the newest, everything that gets a very, very, very wealthy school.

F: So that was a shocker going into it I think.

F: I had people from my middle school that also went to that school. I still–I still felt comfort and I still felt safe. And I–I did a great job adapting to that kind of culture because it was very, very different.

F: The first two years were great. I had–I was just having fun. Everyone was nice. And I think I was blissfully unaware of how different each–each of us were. And I think that's a good thing. Right.

F: But–but then I think it was my junior year. It was either junior or senior year. I think it was–I don't remember if I graduated in 2018. I can't remember when Trump got elected. Maybe it was 2016.

F: But Trump got elected and it's a very conservative school as well. And everyone is very Catholic. And everyone was a “build-a-wall” kind of person like all of the cool, rich kids thought Trump was amazing and still do.

F: It's the funniest thing to be in the wealthy East side of Wichita and everyone like adores Trump. It's the weirdest thing. But everyone was huge Trump people and administration supported him because he was also anti-abortion or pro-choice–no, pro-life.

F: So not only did he have the endorsement of the students who were–isn't racist and classist. They also had the support of administration because of the Catholic values supposedly.

F: And so that was really tough because students started talking about it–started saying, oh, go back to your country like pack your bags, where are your suitcases? And it started being–I mean, Trump essentially made it okay to be racist and discriminate against people openly and made it cool at my school, which was really interesting, like those were the cool people.

F: And so that was a weird moment because even though no one had no one ever directed it to my face or directed it to me. I mean, I still took personal offense to it because that's my entire family. And even some of my friends and like is this what you actually think about me and think about everyone that I came from?

F: And it's such a personal value. The right to immigrate. And it's made up my whole childhood–and people–I started to almost see the real side of people and what people actually thought of me and how they saw me and valued me.

F: So that was the first time that I openly–like my bubble burst and I started to see, how discrimination was hugely, hugely affected every thing I think I was so young and I even had an amazing childhood and a supportive network and parents and people that were unapologetically themselves that I didn't realize that the that we were on the outside, that we were outsiders for most of people that we were around.

F: So it was an interesting time in high school.

F: And it's also been interesting because there's a lot of different experiences in my family, especially within my three siblings, which is really almost funny to compare because we are three different shades of brown. I'm in the middle, I'm the middle shade. My brother is a lot darker, black hair, big, curly black hair. And my sister is very fair-skinned and very tall and skinny and dainty.

F: And just when we were all related, we all look similar, but just on these physical traits–we've all had vastly different experiences. Our high-school and just in different parts of Wichita even growing up, I remember my brother was always the one that got picked on the most and he was always the one where the things about his skin color came up the most. And people openly offended him in high school, just because he was big and tall and browner than us three.

F: And this goes for my whole entire family. I have a lot of family that–I have two little cousins that somehow my brown haired and brown eyed uncle and aunt have made these two fair skin, blond, blue, white girls.

F: And whenever we go visit people, even in Mexico or anywhere else, they would get so much praise for being so beautiful and so smart and so just so amazing.

F: And you can tell it's just because of these physical attributes. So that’s been something that's been really interesting to me and always I've always compared, especially in high school, because my brother, sister and I have always gone to the same high school with the same people, the same families. It's just a generational thing.

F: But yeah, my brother is the one that's always gotten the most hate. I'm always very protective of him. Now he defends himself, but yep. So that was high school.

F: And then I went to KU. And I remember in admissions and just taking the tours of the schools and the school and reading about this school, there was this huge emphasis on diversity.

F: And by this point I'm just so over high school like I want it to be around new people. I was tired of being with all these closed-minded, wealthy, privileged people. And I was excited to get to KU. I know there's a lot of Wichita people that go there, but unlike the campus is big enough, there will be so many new people like I will find my place and it will be away from Kapaun.

F: Then I got to KU and it was the same thing.

F: It was–I did not see any of the diversity that they have mentioned and admissions pamphlets. I guess it was more diverse than Kapaun but it was–I was in STEM for my first two years.

F: There was not a single Hispanic, other Hispanic person, maybe one or two in lecture halls of two to 300 people. Especially as the levels advance.

F: So I was in all these spaces. Where still I was not seeing any diversity.

F: I didn't feel at home.

F: And that was really surprising to me and I was really disappointing to me. When I got to KU and I was staying in the dorms. And it was GSP, which is right next to Corbin, which is where the Greek life people stayed. And then I was standing next to that dorm. And I don't think I met another Hispanic person on my floor.

F: And I guess I was used to it at that point. I was just really looking forward to it at KU.

F: And then and then I joined CLACS (Center for Latin American and Caribbean Studies) and that was awesome because I found so much support.

F: Yeah, I joined CLACs my–or I started taking Kachiquel my second semester, freshman year.

F: And that was really cool. Because it was just a whole other–it was just very different people like people that were so passionate about. I would consider it like a very niche thing to be passionate about Latin American indigenous languages.

F: And finding these people was a huge game changer for me because they were so passionate.

F: And I think growing up. If I allowed myself to be passionate [shaky voice, watery eyes].


F: But there weren't that many options.

F: So like [silence…]

F: And I guess kinda what I mean by that is like, since I'm the first one in my family to have the opportunity and the privilege to go to school, pursue a career. All of these things.

F: I put a lot of pressure on myself [sniffling].

F: And I didn't allow myself to explore very much because I had to be successful in whatever I did. And that's something that's been really hard for me right now because I'm going through med school applications, and especially not getting in last year.

F: I just feel like I'm letting my family down [crying], which is not true because they're all incredibly supportive, but we just grew up very poor and [...] that was something that I had always wanted to take my family out of.

F: And I don't need to anymore. Like my mom is very successful now.

F: We are not in that situation anymore, but I think growing up and seeing that all around me, it was just a personal mission that I was going to make my family better.

F: I was going to be the one that–I always looked forward to being 21 because that's when I could apply for or sponsor my parents for citizenship.

F: They now got remarried.

F: My parents got divorced and my mom got remarried when I was like 15 or 16. So she was able to apply for citizenship a lot earlier. And I remember being so happy for her, but so sad that I couldn't be the one that did that for her. Because I've always just been very protective of my family.

F: I remember my mom…English is her second language. I mean, it's mine too, but it's different when you learn in kindergarten than when you learn at 20 years old. So she's always struggled a little bit and been self-conscious about her accent and not really knowing a lot of American pop culture and that being hard to make friends.

F: But I still do this and I try not to do it anymore. But whenever she is talking to someone, I will say I'm really close to her and just listen to everything she's saying so that I can help–not correct her–-but like help people understand what she's trying to say, even though she's totally competent now and incredibly smart and she doesn't need my help, but it's something I always grew up doing and I'm very, very protective of my family.

F: Right now. I just feel this–these applications are giving me so much anxiety and it's been hard to even talk to my mom because I just wanted to make her proud and I want to be successful. I feel like I'm failing even though I'm not, but a little bit.

F: But back to CLACS. CLACS was a really awesome space because it kinda took me back to to who I was almost oh, yes, CLACS is the Center for Latin American Studies, Latin American and Caribbean Studies at the University of Kansas. And I think this whole time, I had never really thought about it.

F: I never really questioned what my identity as being Mexican was. I had never because I just looked it. At this point. I mean, throughout middle school and the beginning of high school, I had not gone to Mexico because my mom was undocumented during that time. So I didn't really know what it was like to be Mexican in Mexico.

F: So all I do is how is like to be Mexican in the US and I had never really question that.

F: Then I got to KU and started taking classes with the Center for Latin American Studies. And it made me really intrigued because it's all of these things on my heritage, the culture, the history, dynamics between Latin America and indigenous peoples and the land. And so many things that hadn't ever thought of.

F: And it really made me feel like I had a lot to learn about myself, not only about the area and the space, but just about myself. And then I did–I was able to go to Mexico. And this made me even more curious to learn about that history and social problems in Latin America and how they carry over to the United States.

F: And this whole time I've been very interested in health care. So I started reflecting on my experiences in health care with my family, which included translating for my family members at doctor's appointments and trying to help navigate health care and insurance and just this being part of my life.

F: But I started to realize it–this part of a huge immigrant communities’ lives and it shouldn't be this hard to receive health care. And there should be more doctors that speak Spanish and there should be more doctors that understand these kinds of problems. And there's not.

F: So I kept my studies, research has always been intertwined with health and how all of these issues affect health. And I studied abroad in Guatemala, which was a huge, huge, huge, huge, huge formational experience for me.

F: That was the summer after my freshman year, which I'm glad it happened so early because it opened up a lot of doors for me and gave me a lot of curiosity.

F: And it made me realize the complexity of my identity and being Mexican in the US and then American in Mexico. And then in Guatemala, being part of non-indigenous community when I was with indigenous people the whole time and the complexities of that. It was just very interesting.

F: And I remember there was another, there was an anthropologist, sociologist in that study abroad group. We all actually hate him because he was the worst.

F: But he asked me like, Oh, what are you identify as? And I was like, oh, like Mexican and font me for like 30 minutes about why I identified as Mexican and not Mexican American.

F: And I had honestly been the first time I had ever. thought about–I had never really just giving it that much thought because it's just I don't know my family. We just call it like–we're just Mexican and I had never thought about the dynamics of that and how that changes based on place.

F: But these were all conversations that I had on my study abroad and is huge, huge, huge formational [sic] experience. And I was roommates with a PhD student at the time. She think she just I don't know exactly how it works, but she just defended her thesis, slipping–that makes her a Dr. now. But she was 33 and I was 19 as she was getting her PhD in the Latin American Studies department at UT Austin.

F: And she just taught me a lot about what it's like to be a Latin American woman in academia. She even gave me a lot of the vocabulary of just a lot of the things that I was feeling. So that–she has been a really important person in my life.

F: And yeah, I–I pursued Latin American Studies for the rest of my academic undergraduate career. And I loved it so much. I loved the people in my class is so different from the STEM people. It just gave me a lot more dimension and knowledge ability of what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted to be as a doctor.

F: Now, I guess we're at current time. Now I'm kinda seeing all the cousins, everyone that was born here, we're all very, very close. We all grew up in the same neighborhood. It's been really fun to see. Everyone grew up and even all of my aunts, my uncles, parents, grandparents, everyone has–it feels like I've grown up with them because we all started at zero when I was born. And then everyone's slowly become successful and happy.

F: Makes me really proud to see my grandparents–I think two years ago, maybe a year ago–they were able to get their citizenship through my mom. They have been saving [money] their whole lives and my mom calls it, everyone's still has a poverty mindset where everything is save, save, save. No one feels, like, totally secure or safe.

F: So made me really happy to see my grandparents finally be able to retire and get all the social security that they've been paying for this whole time.

F: They moved back to Mexico. I guess they're kinda like seasonally living here and there. But they built the cutest little cabin. This it's called [indistinguishable]. It's an Aguascalientes. And it's like this mountain range because it seems too small to be a mountain, but too big to be a hill. But it just looks like a dead person laying on their back because you can see the outline.

F: So they have–my grandpa has had land there for ever. And he was finally able to build a little cabin and they're just so happy and cute living up there.

F: And then my mom is doing great, she's very happy.

F: She's kinda–she has done one job that has led her to another job that has led her to another job setting. Now she's having a little bit of, uh, prices. She never got to follow her passion because she just had a road that was kinda carved out for her. And now she's doing this job, which is great, but she a little bit hates. So I hope that she is able to find a job that she loves soon.

F: My siblings are all now going to college. My cousins are all now going to college and following their pursuits.

F: And there's also new generations that are immigrating to the United States.

F: I have two little cousins that just moved. And it's been really interesting seeing their experiences and seeing them start their families and almost seeing them start where everyone else in my family started just starting over and it's really hard, but at least know–I know that they have us that we're a support system. We've figured it out and we're going to help other people.

F: But yeah, that's kind of a combination of me and my family's–a little bit of my family's immigration story.


F: There's so many things that randomly come up that no one has. I've talked to my mom about this before, but about her story specifically. But no one else in my–I haven't talked to other people in my family and it's just funny how little things will come up every now and then.

F: Like my grandpa the other day randomly, I think one of the cousins was complaining about how the food at her school was terrible and that's why she didn't eat.

F: And my grandpa made a comment. He was like, I tried to eat sawdust one time because I was moving with his brother and they were traveling by train, tried to get across the border and they were starved and they try to eat sawdust but it wouldn’t–he's like but I wouldn't go down. So we ended up just turning ourselves into immigration officers.

F: Because it's all these little stories that will come up every once in a while that are just crazy to hear people's experiences.

F: And even one of my family members that recently had to cross the border–it was just terrible. It was just horrible. And I can't believe it's still happening.

F: But, you know, I do–I do have a lot of hope for them. And yeah.

Aguascalientes, Mexico and Chiapas, Mexico

Lawrence, Kansas