Aileen

Aileen

An oral history from Chiapas, Mexico to Kansas.

Aileen’s father is from Chiapas, Mexico and her mother is from El Salvador. In this interview, Aileen shares some of her thoughts about generational differences as well as her past experiences interpreting for her parents at banks and grocery stores due to linguistic differences. She also talks about the disconnect between how she perceived herself, as Mexican, and how others, especially Mexicans perceived her, as white. Her advice for the younger generation is to continue their education.

2000s

Kansas

Aileen (A)
Yuvia (Y)

A: My parents both immigrated here, they came at different times. But my dad came from Chiapas, Mexico and my mom came from El Salvador. And she came, I think, when she was 17 or something and she was a house cleaner, but she went back and forth from Mexico to California, to El Salvador to California.

A: Then when my dad came, I think he came to work [in] agriculture probably. He also went to California first.

A: But they got married in Mexico, had my brother and Mexico and then they would live in California for part-time and then go back for a few years for two of their kids because my older sisters were born in California.

A: And it was for me, I was born in Kansas, obviously.

A: But it's interesting because it's like a whole, it's a whole different life with them. There's so many things that I didn't know, so many experiences that are so bizarre to me.

A: I remember my mom was telling me that she worked on a coffee farm and she's like, yeah, they pay me like $0.05 a day. I'm like, Mom, that's not working. And she's like, No, that's fine. We bought tortillas. Mom. That doesn't…No!

A: Or she'll just talk about like having to catch three buses when she was like seven to go beg her dad for shoes, like money for shoes to go to school. And it's like, it's weird, it's just like one or like one generation off. But the things that they've experienced is barbaric.

A: And I think that it makes us as a generation feel really guilty because here we are sitting pretty in our air conditioned homes and our kids have all these gadgets to play with and all the time they're just like, I didn't have that when I was little or when I complain about you probably maybe you did. I don't know. You probably did.

A: But the different parenting styles that I've noticed, like our generation doesn't want to hit their kids and our parents. They would beat our [expletive] if we did anything wrong. And they're just like, Well, I got beat in school. I'm like, Okay, but I didn't beat you in school. Why would you–why would you do that?

A: And it's just so fascinating because they're not bad parents. It's not just, it's not just them. It's across cultures. I've noticed. It's Latinx people, it's black people, It's Asian people. All immigrant parents are very similar when it comes to this stuff.

A: But there's just a disconnect. It's almost as if like it's like when they grew up they were just, I don't know, like objects that people could control. So then when they were older, That's what they expected from young kids.

A: And I've noticed that with older people now when it comes to voting and social justice, they're really annoyed with younger people because it's like, well, why did they have to be out-spoken like this and this, and I think that it’s them projecting because they never got to do that. They just, they just didn't. And it's so weird.

A: But the biggest thing that I struggled with was one that guilt that I wasn't living up to my potential for everything that they did come in here, working shit jobs–four jobs at a time to provide for their kids.

A: And what am I doing? I studied political science and I graduated, but like I'm not actively doing anything with my degree and I feel so terrible because they've put in so much effort for us.

A: And I felt like I just kinda came up like a dud. Like what am I doing for them?

A: But just like the guilt that we have to validate, they're coming here and make it worth it.

A: Even though it was their choice. I wasn't around, I didn't contribute to them coming here, but I don't know. But guilt has been a big thing for me.

A: And I guess the second thing is having that disconnect to the motherland. Like we got a taste of their culture, but it's all Americanized. And so a lot of us don't speak Spanish. I do, but mine is very conversational. It's fine. I could write a paper, but it wouldn't be great.

A: Then my kids will probably speak it very brokenly [sic] and not super great. Which sucks?

A: But that's something that they, I think they kinda, kinda gave up hope on that because I know from my parents a lot of their grandkids don't speak Spanish and that's disappointing to them. And it's difficult. I think it feels kinda like rejection because they can't really communicate with them either. Because they had to learn English here. We had the privilege of knowing English and Spanish.

A: But that is a whole different thing. I don't know if you've ever heard of what's it called linguistic discrimination.

A: But pretty much when we were younger, we were interpreters for our parents, right. Because a lot of times they didn't have Spanish literature at the bank, at the grocery store. They didn't know what the hell was going on and they expected us to interpret or more like eight years old.

A: And I'm at the doctor's office. Unlike mom, they're talking about your blood pressure, your cholesterol, this and because they didn't have interpreters available. And depending on where you lived in the US, if you live in a small town in Kansas, there's definitely not someone who speaks Spanish, who they're paying to interpret for you. But if you live in a bigger city, there probably is.

A: But the whole thing with linguistic discrimination is that our parents had an accent. And so they got discriminated against because of that or our parents–you know that language barrier just it caused so many problems for them that we felt the pressure to fill in those gaps. And how to make it better.

A: And at a young age, it kinda messes a few because if you do something wrong, like it all falls on your shoulders because you're the one that didn't interpret it correctly. So that was interesting.

A: When I was an adult and went to college and learned all these things, I realized how traumatized I was, but it's fine [jokingly].

A: I don't know. I guess the last thing is because there's so many of us people my age, I want to say like a third of the people my age that I know that our Latinx, they're not citizens. And then the other half are the ones who aren't like, we have two completely different struggles.

A: Like if they want to go to college, it's all out-of-pocket for them. And if we want to go to college, like maybe we'll get scholarships, most likely will get into debt. But at least that's an option for us and they don't have that. Or they can't just find a job like that and we can because we have a Social Security card.

A: And it's just I don't know. Those things were interesting to navigate, but I don't know.

A: Did you have any specific questions? I feel like I'm rambling. No.

Y: You–you can go on. Now it's really interesting hearing your story because I can relate on so many different levels. I can echo everything that you've said just because I'm also a daughter of immigrants.

Y: But you were talking about how that guilt and that sort of resentment. So as the child of immigrants, like you are, we harbored those. How do you think that impacted your future? Did you feel like because of those emotions or those sentiments, what did you do because of them in terms of like present day or in the future? What were your actions because of them?

A: Yeah. Well, I think some people they kinda shut down. They're just like, no, that's not my journey. And we'll just play Call of Duty all day. Their parents complain, whatever.

A: And then the other half, I think we become very type A people hyperactive. We always seem to be doing something. We feel guilty if we don't have a job, if we don't work.

A: Like right now. Yes. I graduated and I'm doing part-time work, but I don't contribute a lot financially to my family. I'm mostly a stay at home mom. And the guilt that comes with that is awful because my mother had to take care of four children while cleaning house, while working in Taco Bell, while working for a newspaper. And I get to sit at home with one baby. And I think that's hard.

A: Like I feel like I have no place to complain, but it just feels weird like not not working, not doing something that's moving.

A: And part of that is I think the culture like we have a hustle culture now that when you're not starting a business that's worth a million dollars, like, What are you doing? You know, which that is a whole different conversation.

A: But I think it worsens tenfold when there's just like that looming on your shoulder, whatever like in your brain telling you like, well, you better make it worth it. Are your parents came here for no reason.

A: And then, I think another thing that is impacted, I don't know if he grew up in a multi-generational household? Like, I had my abuela in the house and sometimes we had tios in the house and then there's us and my parents. So there's a lot of us.

A: But the problem with that is when my parents would bring some relatives over. A lot of times they would live in our house for a while. But these fools didn't work for a while because they didn't have social security numbers. I couldn't work. They just kinda hung out.

A: And I think that was more pressured to work when you're in high school and stuff because you also have to contribute financially to your family then.

A: There's just pressure all the time. It's like you don't get you don't get a break, which sucks.

A: And then on top of that, I think is our problem with identities. We don't at least for me, like I'm a little lighter, fine. But when I grew up in a small town in Kansas. And so it was very obvious that it was not a white person.

A: But then when I went to a bigger high school all the Mexican people, there were just like, you're not wrong. You're not Mexican. Like What are you talking about? I'm just like what? I just came from a place where they wouldn't let me be white and now you’re note letting me be Mexican, I don't understand.

A: Then it's worse if you don't speak Spanish or if you have light hair, like light eyes, and it's not obvious that you're, I don't know, Chicana, I guess. That was weird.

A: And like the state [Kansas] that we're in, there's not a lot of I mean, there is some diversity but not really in like a bigger places, I guess institutions, you could say, there's not a lot of people. I think there is a little more now.

A: But now it's definitely cool to be diverse and to be including. But before I don't really think that was an emphasis that they had. So that's the story.

Y: Okay. So if you could talk to not necessarily one specific person in your family, but someone in the generation before you, older than you, what would you like them to know about your experiences now?

A: That they don't have to, that we know their struggle. They told us even if they didn't say the words every single day. Like we know and we feel we feel guilty for it or we feel responsible.

A: And so it's not, even if I don't become president or whatever, I hope that what I did was enough and that what they taught me was enough. And I'll always show respect to the janitor, to the CEO with an equal amount that I'll never like.

A: You and I were in college, which is great. But when we walk into an administration building, we don't see white people cleaning it. We see our people cleaning it? I'll never look down on them for that. Yeah, that's it.

Y: And then to reverse, what do you want the generations to come to know about your experiences are what you want them to. Skills, Tips

A: yeah.

Y: advice.

A: I hope that they continue to educate themselves on length, true history, to not fell separated like Americans versus us. Because we were here first, we are native. We absolutely are, like know who you are, know your roots. Like no real American history.

A: The [expletive] they taught us like do your research. That way you never take for granted what's going on. And I don't know, at least right now, the big thing is like vote because I know my parents, they worked hard as hell to be able to vote and they voted ever since they were able to.

A: But there's a lot of people in my generation who don't think it matters or who've fallen into that trap. Like they'll do it but they don't put research into it. They don't care about it. Just like know your rights and remember them because we worked hard for them. Just that.

Yuvia Serna

Audio

Chiapas, Mexico

Kansas